If you remember, the first rule about the A game is that you don't talk about the A game. The second rule is that no women are allowed to play at the A game - period (no pun intended).
Attractive, right? She got mad skillz, right? While I certainly do not discriminate against or discourage women participating in athletic sports - meaning, I think they definitely should definitely be allowed to definitely play, definitely - the worst thing in the world is to show up to church hoops and have a woman be playing. I don't care if it is on your team, or on the team you are playing against. It just flat out ruins the game. It makes the game slower, less competitive, and makes people not compete. And although I'm told that there have been times when women showed up to church hoops and held court for a very long time, I don't think they could do this at the A game, nor have I ever been a part of when a girl was competitive enough for the game to even be meaningful or fun. I'm seriously thinking this is just an urban legend.
I've participated in a few church hoops games, or the equivalent thereof, where a girl showed up to play with the men. Every time I've been involved in a female appearance at "pick up" basketball (pun intended ) she was an invite (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Ndcb8Sco_g). Very few girls, if any, have the guts to show up to a men's game on their own. I think there are two reasons for this. First, most girls know they really can't compete, and second, because they have their own games to play in. Also, I think girls don't really live and die for sports like men do. They spend their time on less important things than church hoops such as cooking, cleaning, spending all of your anytime minutes on the phone with their sisters, and community service.
The games I've participated in with women are always somewhat awkward and not very competitive. My first experience was at a youth basketball camp at Laman and Lemuel A&M (www.byu.edu). It was my first time attending this certain basketball summer camp which made me and my friends about 13, maybe 12. We were playing a pick up game (no pun intended) in the Smith Fieldhouse when a BYU Women's basketball player entered the game. My friend ended up having to guard her. His immediate questions prior to the game were "how do I block her out," "what if I touch her coconuts," and "do I slap her on the buttock if she makes a good play." Of course as a 13 year old we all giggled while our hormones raged and wanted her to be spectacular so we could all touch her buttock(s) for good plays. I was secretly hoping she'd dunk and we could all bounce around and give her hi-fives, or something....(http://www.molaver.org/photos/misc/dunk.jpg). She was decent, considering we were 13, or maybe 12. But she didn't stand out. In fact, I still remember the fact that she was good looking (which was a surprising thing for me to see in a female basketball player because my Dad always referred to women's basketball players as Amazons) more than I remember her game. I think she made a shot or two, but she didn't stand out - and the game wasn't very competitive.
The third - and last - time (I know, I skipped the second but it's coming) I participated in a game that included a member of the fairer sex was right after I stopped playing college hoops - or was it that college hoops stopped playing me? There existed a lunch time game two or three times a week that included the football coaches, basketball coaches, and some of the basketball players at the university who had just graduated. On one particular occasion a female university basketball player showed up to play. She was actually a very good women's player. She was all conference and her team had gone undefeated in conference play and made the NCAA tournament. I specifically remember her for two reasons: (1) she wasn't very good at the lunch game, and (2) unlike the BYU girl, she wasn't very attractive and nobody really wanted to pat her buttock. It made the lunch game difficult and much less fun. Nobody wanted to guard her because it wasn't much of a challenge. And it wasn't like everyone at the lunch game could play either. The football coaches were decent, but not great. Everyone kind of quits when something like this happens and the competitiveness - and more importantly - flow of the game completely stalls. I shouldn't say this is a knock on women completely, because this happens with not very good men either. Anywho, my point being, women plus men's basketball doesn't mix, even in a church setting. I still contend and firmly believe that while the WNBA players are getting better, I don't think they could beat a regular high school varsity men's team. WRITE IT DOWN! (Also, the challenge is on. In the extremely rare event that someone outside of my family or small list of friends reads this spectacular blog, I challenge all women to 5 on 5 at the A game! Of course, we will need prior notice so we can get in shape as we are old and washed up...)
The second time - and point of this entire post - I was forced to play with a girl was at what I've come to refer to as "the official pick up game." My college roommate, and general louse (he once dated my lesbian cousin, though I don't think she was lesbian at the time - I'm still confused on this one), Spence (named for his uncanny resemblance to the King of Queens character, Spencer: http://images.dawgsports.com/images/admin/Patton_Oswalt_large_closeup.jpg) literally invited this chick to play church hoops with us to score a hook up. He even admitted to the whole charade at a later date.
Spence usually didn't play hoops with us. He wasn't completely un-athletic but he wasn't in the best of shape either. He also didn't attend school and simply worked as a bus driver full time. The chick he had his eye on was admittedly smoking. Each of us roommates wanted to break off a little somethin-somethin with her at one time or another (and when I mean break off a little somethin somethin I mean hold her hand and maybe kiss her - remember, we are LDS). And admittedly she was athletic, for a girl. I cannot describe how annoyed and frustrated I was that Spence continually invited this chick to interrupt our church ball game on not one, but two or three, occasions. I kept wondering why he was inviting her. None of us wanted her to play, even though she wasn't THAT bad. But it still made the games less fun.
I kept wondering why Spence wanted to keep ruining church hoops until my other roommate, little ricky (reason for nickname withheld), and I happened to notice that the front room of our house was dark one evening. Generally the front room of the house was a hot-bed of entertainment which began around 9 pm each evening - and was NEVER dark. Just like most college students our night-life began at 9 pm and ended around 2 or 3 am, at which point we had to decide whether to attend the next morning's classes or not, which usually did not end well for the attendance award at the end of the year... I digress. But on this particular evening it was quiet in the front room. So little ricky and I decided to go on a Teancum discovery mission. After army crawling our way through the kitchen from our room, and into the kitchen entrance of the front room, little ricky and I discovered this chick and Spence wrapped in a blanket making sweet love with their lips (hey we are Mormon, remember)!?! Finally the reasoning behind Spence's intentionally ruining of our game of church hoops became clear.
Needless to say, little ricky and I did not make his new sport of choice, tonsil-hockey, easy. We army crawled and snickered at them (mature, right?) at least 4 or 5 more times, thus interrupting anything that could seriously happen until she finally went home. At which point we confronted Spence. Screaming and yelling ensued. He admitted to inviting this chick so he could hook up with her. And golly-gee it worked. While I was happy for Spence's hook up - and jealous it wasn't me - I wasn't happy about the precedent it set. A few months later I asked this chick out on a date or two and her response was always "sure, let's go play volleyball," or "sure, let's go play hoops." We did not go on any dates. Mainly because I was not going to be the one to ruin a perfectly good church hoops game for others by bringing a female. And also because I wasn't going to be the one whose wife always came and played church hoops with the men. Imagine the fights I would have to get into - or step into - when one of the men guarding her would slap her buttock, or worse!!! Again, I digress as marriage never really occurred to me with this chick, considering we never dated, until this actual post was conceived.
Thus rule two of the A game was born, way before the A game was even actually occurring. This rule can only be broken under the following circumstances: if she has a cheer skirt on (legs shaved of course), and is willing to think you are the greatest church hoops player of all time - something my wife doesn't even do.
Let's just say Title IX probably won't be entering into the A game's vocabulary any time soon.
Peace out,
Psycho-T
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