the A game Pilot

The first rule about the A game is that you don't talk about the A game.

We would like to thank blogspot.com for making this absolutely worthless website/blog possible. There will be a few of us contributors and this site will consist of analysis of each week's A game play. I may need to start at the beginning though and let you know exactly what the A game is, where it is located (not specifically, but sort of), and why it exists.

Most of the participants in the A game are Mormon, or Latter-Day Saints. Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. However, this does not mean that non LDS people aren't invited or don't play. In fact, there are usually non-LDS people participating in the A game. It just so happens that a few of us all play hoops, attend the same church in the same general locations and get together once a week to hash out our differences.

For those of you who have participated in LDS Church hoops organizations you know generally that it is considered the "war after the prayer." In fact the competitive nature of church hoops amazes even non-members of the church. Many area organizations of the Church, called Stakes, have banned men's basketball because of the fighting, cussing, and otherwise pillaging our measly black guts out at Church hoops on weeknights or Saturday mornings. In fact, some LDS people (I have to believe) created a movie about realistic church hoops events. http://www.imdb.com/media/rm3133510144/tt0457303.

To give a good illustration of what LDS Church leagues can be like I offer the following two stories. The first story is very recent. In fact it occurred during last season's Stake Men's Basketball season. It was the last game of the season and our team had only lost one game. Since I play most of the time I felt obligated to let some of the non-starters play more minutes than usual in the game. And since we couldn't win the championship with one loss during the season (a very controversial loss where the other ward did not play any of its subs - literally 5 guys sat on the bench for the whole game while we played all of our guys. I was wondering if their subs were wearing cheer skirts or something). Anywho, so I felt obligated to not play so much this game. However, my innate competitive nature made me want to play enough to still win. Near the end of the game it was close. I subbed in with about 3 minutes to play and scored some baskets to keep us ahead. During the game one large, loud-mouthed, out of shape return missionary was complaining to the referees about numerous calls that did not go his way - nor should they have. By the end of the game the other team was fouling my team in order to force us to shoot free throws. One particular foul went uncalled so I said something to the ref. When immediately upon my complaining to the ref comes over this large, loud-mouthed, out of shape return missionary to instruct me that I needed to show some sportsmanship. To which I kindly replied - Sir, please shut up and mind your own business. I was totally justified in my reaction, I believe. I was just astonished that I all of the sudden needed to show sportsmanship when this retard wouldn't shut up all night. So we jawed back and forth a little bit when this large, loud-mouthed, out of shape return missionary instructed me that he was going to punch me in the mouth....This is apparently how mature servants of the Lord resolve things in church hoops.

My second initial story occurred sometime ago when I was actually myself still in shape and just got done playing college basketball. I was at the peak of my game. I was fast (for church ball), could shoot, dribble, etc. On one particular play I drove the lane and head-faked a taller defender. This defender was about 6-10 and actually played hoops 20 years prior at Utah. Anyway, after my head-fake and his subsequent jumping in the air, I arose, tossed the ball toward the hoop and leaned my way into his nasty, sweaty Kobe Bryant jersey, with beer on his breath (keep in mind that this is 7 am on a Saturday morning), attempting to draw the foul. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7iT-08Botg. Well, foul INDEED! This man actually picked me up off of the floor and pile drived (drove?) me into the parquet. I immediately got up to react when I was picked up again and pile drived (drove?) once more to the earth. Needless to say this person was kicked out of the gym by my larger friends, never to return. He also stated he no longer wanted to receive visits from the home teachers or to be called by the church again. Great, we inactivated someone using church hoops. I thought the purpose was to do the opposite.

Now back to the beginning. The A game was really a dream of mine since I was a child...ok, it wasn't, but it was a dream of mine since I started playing regular church hoops after I graduated college. I'd go to the church for pick up games and it was basically jungle ball with a lot of 1 on 1, no screening, no defense, chuck it from the cheap-seats basketball. People at general church hoops don't understand basketball in the slightest. They are a lot like playground warriors in that a good move means you are good, even if that good move was your only bucket of the night and it was also a lucky one at that. I was frustrated as heck and wanted a decent game with people who were competitive (not overly competitive), who understood the game, and who could keep a secret. I attempted to get this game going on numerous occasions in numerous locations (See: undergrad and graduate school attempts) until one day it finally happened.

The A game begins with a morning text to the affect of "roll call for hoops." To which people will respond whether they can play or not that night. Anyone who shows up but was not invited to A game by the creator/coach (me) gets a very dirty look and will not get passed the ball, unless you are wide open and can make a layup - but even then you may not get passed the ball. If you do you should bow down and be grateful for your touch. A teamers are allowed to invite someone to A game only if I allow it first, or the general consensus of the A gamers say it is ok. Some people are excluded for their inability to pass, even if they are extremely talented. Most are excluded because they just aren't good enough. Everyone at A game has played at least varsity basketball, and about 40% have played (or could or should have played) some type of college basketball.

I'm a firm believer that you can't give yourself a nickname. So the A game didn't have a name for the first year or so of existence. We didn't give the A game its name. It's name became a legend simply by fortuitousness. Before I go on to the A game name story, it reminds me a lot of the "Doggs" on my mission. During the mission my MTC companion, Fisher, would call Americans by their last name, combined with a "Dogg" at the end. For example Elder Peel would be "Peel-Dogg." Fisher had no intention of creating some exclusive club when an Elder came up to him and asked if he could be referred to with a Dogg at the end of his name as well. Fisher said no, and immediately created the exclusive Dogg club. It was all a joke of course, but then it got serious. About 3 weeks later the mission president called Fisher in and mandated that he no longer have his exclusive club "the Dogg's," anymore. He was no longer allowed to be the "Golden Dogg" either. This whole episode only fueled the fire for the Doggs and we felt even more exclusive. I should mention that there were no benefits to being a Dogg, just that you got called Dogg.

Now that I've wasted some more of your time, back to the A game name story. Please keep in mind that I can't discuss the A game, other than on this blog, so real names have to be changed. We will try and be creative with the names in our weak attempt to be humorous. Thunder (named because of his uncanny skill set and kindred spirit name to Thunder Dan Majerle - granted Thunder does not have Majerle's hands - I once golfed a group behind Majerle and those fingers had to wrap at least two full times around the shaft) and I were playing in a softball league one night when the subject of church hoops came up. Keep in mind that most LDS churches get used at least once a week by general members of the church and society for pick-up games. Anyway, at softball, church pick up hoops games came up. Thunder and I just kept listening about the possibility of us storming in on their weekly game when someone mentioned "the A game" in town. SAY WHAT? Thunder was tactical and asked about "the A game" just mentioned. Our friend responded that apparently there was an invite only church basketball game that took place somewhere near our location - and to which they weren't invited. Although this was the only thing that was mentioned about the game me and Thunder's minds immediately started racing, and our eyes locked in that epiphany sort of gaze. After the softball game we couldn't stop talking about how our newly named A game was famous. How people were jealous they couldn't be invited to the game, and how word had spread about our amazing church ball prowess. We were also certain that our game was the best and most exclusive game in town. Forget that our city has a consistent top-25 college basketball team that I'm sure holds its own exclusive games. But they don't have the name and prestige we do. The A game. The A game. I still can't keep the stars out of my eyes when I think of this moment. We had finally arrived!

The A game continues to be held mostly on weeknights. We will change locations, or even take a few weeks off to lose those stragglers that somehow always find out that there is a game going on at the church. It's elite. Pretenders need not apply.

Additionally, we need to thank Mark Titus and Club Trillion for inspiring us to create this worthless diatribe on church hoops and those of us who still believe we have something to prove....http://clubtrillion.blogspot.com/

And lastly for this initial column, I want to welcome emails and comments from all of you church ballers out there. Send us your stories and we will publish them and give you a shout out online. Thunder and I will be the initial contributors, hopefully with some commentary from others such as Urkel (named for his skinny, nerdy look - but remember that Urkel could ball http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGdQ4HhyojY though this Urkel needs to learn to pass more), Prefontaine (named by Tulip ((Tulip named for his flowery jumper and flowery name)) when Tulip saw Prefontaine wearing track shoes on a recent golf outing and deduced for some reason that Prefontaine runs track - he doesn't), and 40-band (named for his age combined with the head band he wears on his bald head).

Peace out,

Psycho T (that's me - named because Goldilocks ((named for his fro - he's white)) thinks I look like Tyler Hansbrough http://i.a.cnn.net/si/2008/writers/stewart_mandel/03/16/selection.sunday/p1.tyler.hansbrough.jpg)