the Offensive visitor

Just because this is our fourth post in 2 weeks, please don't think that this will be the norm. In fact, my creative (read: non-creative) brain is almost out of ideas already. My A game blog thoughts are coming up about as original sounding as Shania Twain's music. But we press on, for now....

For the longest time I've been worried about my little bro's confidence on the basketball court. When he was a kid he had a deadly jumper. Then he got coached by a fool who changed his jumper (always an idiotic idea unless your jumper is completely broke like California) and got mad when my little bro didn't thank him for it. Well, I finally learned that little bro's confidence is back - even if it is about as blind as Helen Keller. Which I'm grateful for.

Every now and again the A gamers will have a friend or relative come from out of town to visit. It's inevitable that the A gamer responsible for this friend or relative shoots me a text asking if said friend or relative can participate in that night's A game. Since its inception, the A gamers have never excluded a friend or relative. However, I'm thinking twice about inviting my brother to play next time he comes into town - at least until he can demonstrate a proper defensive slide.

In his defense, the kid really hasn't played basketball since high school. He spent a year at Rameumptom University (www.byu.edu) then 2 years in the mission field in Armenia all with playing about as much as Nate Robinson has been playing for the Knicks lately. After his mission he came home and immediately got married which forced him to get a job, spend time with her, blah, blah, blah...Suffice it to say the time available for him to play hoops has gone down significantly. Though I don't really know why. Isn't there always a game going on at the Great and Spacious (www.byu.edu) somewhere?

So anywho, one of the last A games of 2009 occurred the week of Thanksgiving. My little bro (not a true A gamer so not deserving of a nickname) came and played with us. We were short on numbers for the holidays anyway so it didn't hurt to have him there - or did it? We played probably 10 or 12 games that night and I think I was on the winning team only once. Was it coincidence that my little bro was on my team the whole time? Probably about as much of a coincidence that Kobe or Jordan rarely foul out.

Little bro missed his first shot, a 3, by a good 5 feet. It looked awkward and my immediate thought was why is little bro (apparently he does get a nickname - "little bro" - there goes that rule) embarrassing me like Phil did Tiger when they played together at the Ryder Cup? I consider myself a good basketball A gamer, maybe not the best player out there, but certainly not the worst. Why is my little bro chucking up air-balls that couldn't find a rim if he were at the grand canyon? I felt like all eyes were on me. I could hear the thoughts of the other A gamers in my own head: "Apparently Psycho T got the basketball gene," or "I thought Pscycho said little bro could play," which would completely ruin my credibility as head coach (a nickname given to me by Prefontaine because I schedule the A game each week) because my ability to scout talent and keep the invite list going would be ruined.

Well, little bro settled down a little bit, started making some nice passes including a few drive and dishes (followed by swishes) to yours truly which were completely wet from the moment I let the shots go - as always. Little bro also started to make some nice layups in traffic on drives. However his 3 balls continued to look about as good as Shaq's free throws (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ajn1H_33ovY).

Near the end of the night I was completely frustrated. The other team continued to pour in 3 pointers and my team continued to lose. I kept making everyone play one more game so I could finally get a win. It didn't happen - the win at least. I even kicked the ball (my own personal ball - not someone else's, which is a clear violation of church ball ethics) into the wall to ease my pain. I was getting extremely frustrated that nobody on my team would play defense. I was especially angry with little bro because he was absolutely not guarding his man. Now, this is the A game and everyone there can score. But this kid that little bro was guarding was also a fill in and anyone who played some good D on him would have been able to at least slow him down. However little bro's man continued to score on every possession. As my mind was about to explode and let little bro know that big bro was about to teach him a basic defensive slide, one of the most incredible statements I have ever heard was made. Someone liked little bro's game. How could this be? Yes, he was scoring a little on offense, but his man was making it rain (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8K2v2XFYg_Q - notice the A game reference).

"PLAY SOME DEFENSE!" was all I wanted to yell. But I couldn't be upset with little bro. He is in fact, my little bro. And no matter how much defense he refuses to play, I will always love little bro. However, based on the comment made about little bro's game I was given my opportunity to clear the air and make the record straight and get rid of some more of my pent up loser frustration...Blessings really do come to those who wait.

So it went down like this:

Bagger (Named for the movie "The Legend of Bagger Vance"): Hey, Psycho T, little bro has played well tonight.

Me: Yeah, on offense...bada-bing...

The next day at Thanksgiving lunch we were all enjoying family company when inevitably the A game from the previous night came up as a topic of discussion. I was still a little sour at our lack of defense played the night before when Dad (named because he is my dad) said that little bro had been talking about how well he played the night before, considering he hadn't played since Tracy McGrady had last played either. To which I responded, "Yeah, on offense." However, little bro continued to brag about his performance and even gave his performance a name: "Flashes of brilliance," he called it. I threw up a little in my mouth when I saw the look little bro's wife gave him. That look of adulation and adoring care that her husband was a great A gamer. Upon hearing "flashes of brilliance" I fully expected angels to enter the room singing with flaming cherubim. My entire family was admiring little bro's performance without even seeing it. Little bro was so very proud of his efforts that he thought they were brilliant.

This takes me back to my initial statement of why I was proud of little bro considering I've done nothing but rip on him this entire post. A tear formed in my eye for little bro's confidence in his supreme, turnover-filled, lack of defensive effort. He was however focused on the great layups he made all night long. Way to keep it positive little bro. I'm proud of you!

However, next time he comes into town he's going to have to demonstrate a proper defensive slide prior to being allowed to play in the A game.

Peace out,

Psycho T

the Pick Up game

If you remember, the first rule about the A game is that you don't talk about the A game. The second rule is that no women are allowed to play at the A game - period (no pun intended).

Attractive, right? She got mad skillz, right? While I certainly do not discriminate against or discourage women participating in athletic sports - meaning, I think they definitely should definitely be allowed to definitely play, definitely - the worst thing in the world is to show up to church hoops and have a woman be playing. I don't care if it is on your team, or on the team you are playing against. It just flat out ruins the game. It makes the game slower, less competitive, and makes people not compete. And although I'm told that there have been times when women showed up to church hoops and held court for a very long time, I don't think they could do this at the A game, nor have I ever been a part of when a girl was competitive enough for the game to even be meaningful or fun. I'm seriously thinking this is just an urban legend.

I've participated in a few church hoops games, or the equivalent thereof, where a girl showed up to play with the men. Every time I've been involved in a female appearance at "pick up" basketball (pun intended ) she was an invite (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Ndcb8Sco_g). Very few girls, if any, have the guts to show up to a men's game on their own. I think there are two reasons for this. First, most girls know they really can't compete, and second, because they have their own games to play in. Also, I think girls don't really live and die for sports like men do. They spend their time on less important things than church hoops such as cooking, cleaning, spending all of your anytime minutes on the phone with their sisters, and community service.

The games I've participated in with women are always somewhat awkward and not very competitive. My first experience was at a youth basketball camp at Laman and Lemuel A&M (www.byu.edu). It was my first time attending this certain basketball summer camp which made me and my friends about 13, maybe 12. We were playing a pick up game (no pun intended) in the Smith Fieldhouse when a BYU Women's basketball player entered the game. My friend ended up having to guard her. His immediate questions prior to the game were "how do I block her out," "what if I touch her coconuts," and "do I slap her on the buttock if she makes a good play." Of course as a 13 year old we all giggled while our hormones raged and wanted her to be spectacular so we could all touch her buttock(s) for good plays. I was secretly hoping she'd dunk and we could all bounce around and give her hi-fives, or something....(http://www.molaver.org/photos/misc/dunk.jpg). She was decent, considering we were 13, or maybe 12. But she didn't stand out. In fact, I still remember the fact that she was good looking (which was a surprising thing for me to see in a female basketball player because my Dad always referred to women's basketball players as Amazons) more than I remember her game. I think she made a shot or two, but she didn't stand out - and the game wasn't very competitive.

The third - and last - time (I know, I skipped the second but it's coming) I participated in a game that included a member of the fairer sex was right after I stopped playing college hoops - or was it that college hoops stopped playing me? There existed a lunch time game two or three times a week that included the football coaches, basketball coaches, and some of the basketball players at the university who had just graduated. On one particular occasion a female university basketball player showed up to play. She was actually a very good women's player. She was all conference and her team had gone undefeated in conference play and made the NCAA tournament. I specifically remember her for two reasons: (1) she wasn't very good at the lunch game, and (2) unlike the BYU girl, she wasn't very attractive and nobody really wanted to pat her buttock. It made the lunch game difficult and much less fun. Nobody wanted to guard her because it wasn't much of a challenge. And it wasn't like everyone at the lunch game could play either. The football coaches were decent, but not great. Everyone kind of quits when something like this happens and the competitiveness - and more importantly - flow of the game completely stalls. I shouldn't say this is a knock on women completely, because this happens with not very good men either. Anywho, my point being, women plus men's basketball doesn't mix, even in a church setting. I still contend and firmly believe that while the WNBA players are getting better, I don't think they could beat a regular high school varsity men's team. WRITE IT DOWN! (Also, the challenge is on. In the extremely rare event that someone outside of my family or small list of friends reads this spectacular blog, I challenge all women to 5 on 5 at the A game! Of course, we will need prior notice so we can get in shape as we are old and washed up...)

The second time - and point of this entire post - I was forced to play with a girl was at what I've come to refer to as "the official pick up game." My college roommate, and general louse (he once dated my lesbian cousin, though I don't think she was lesbian at the time - I'm still confused on this one), Spence (named for his uncanny resemblance to the King of Queens character, Spencer: http://images.dawgsports.com/images/admin/Patton_Oswalt_large_closeup.jpg) literally invited this chick to play church hoops with us to score a hook up. He even admitted to the whole charade at a later date.

Spence usually didn't play hoops with us. He wasn't completely un-athletic but he wasn't in the best of shape either. He also didn't attend school and simply worked as a bus driver full time. The chick he had his eye on was admittedly smoking. Each of us roommates wanted to break off a little somethin-somethin with her at one time or another (and when I mean break off a little somethin somethin I mean hold her hand and maybe kiss her - remember, we are LDS). And admittedly she was athletic, for a girl. I cannot describe how annoyed and frustrated I was that Spence continually invited this chick to interrupt our church ball game on not one, but two or three, occasions. I kept wondering why he was inviting her. None of us wanted her to play, even though she wasn't THAT bad. But it still made the games less fun.

I kept wondering why Spence wanted to keep ruining church hoops until my other roommate, little ricky (reason for nickname withheld), and I happened to notice that the front room of our house was dark one evening. Generally the front room of the house was a hot-bed of entertainment which began around 9 pm each evening - and was NEVER dark. Just like most college students our night-life began at 9 pm and ended around 2 or 3 am, at which point we had to decide whether to attend the next morning's classes or not, which usually did not end well for the attendance award at the end of the year... I digress. But on this particular evening it was quiet in the front room. So little ricky and I decided to go on a Teancum discovery mission. After army crawling our way through the kitchen from our room, and into the kitchen entrance of the front room, little ricky and I discovered this chick and Spence wrapped in a blanket making sweet love with their lips (hey we are Mormon, remember)!?! Finally the reasoning behind Spence's intentionally ruining of our game of church hoops became clear.

Needless to say, little ricky and I did not make his new sport of choice, tonsil-hockey, easy. We army crawled and snickered at them (mature, right?) at least 4 or 5 more times, thus interrupting anything that could seriously happen until she finally went home. At which point we confronted Spence. Screaming and yelling ensued. He admitted to inviting this chick so he could hook up with her. And golly-gee it worked. While I was happy for Spence's hook up - and jealous it wasn't me - I wasn't happy about the precedent it set. A few months later I asked this chick out on a date or two and her response was always "sure, let's go play volleyball," or "sure, let's go play hoops." We did not go on any dates. Mainly because I was not going to be the one to ruin a perfectly good church hoops game for others by bringing a female. And also because I wasn't going to be the one whose wife always came and played church hoops with the men. Imagine the fights I would have to get into - or step into - when one of the men guarding her would slap her buttock, or worse!!! Again, I digress as marriage never really occurred to me with this chick, considering we never dated, until this actual post was conceived.

Thus rule two of the A game was born, way before the A game was even actually occurring. This rule can only be broken under the following circumstances: if she has a cheer skirt on (legs shaved of course), and is willing to think you are the greatest church hoops player of all time - something my wife doesn't even do.

Let's just say Title IX probably won't be entering into the A game's vocabulary any time soon.

Peace out,

Psycho-T

Thunder chimes in

Thank you for making this possible Pyscho T. I don't know what I would do without the A Game. It gives me something to look forward to each week (other than watching UNLV basketball games).



Food for Thought re: the A Game.



I think that this year's edition of the A-game will be the best yet. The reason being - we have managed to add some pretty good talent as the years have gone by, and generally speaking, we really have a great group of guys that participate. Exclusivity really works. I hope each and every participant is truly greatful for the blessing and privilege of being invited to the A game. I know I am. If anyone is not greatful, I think they should re-consider that the inevitable fact is that the years any given A-teamer can play in this competitive and fun basketball game are limited. The limitation comes in two flavors. First, you never know when you might get cut; and the A-game evolves without you. (This cruel reality keeps me practicing every week and gives me an occasional nightmare.) Second, you never know when the man upstairs will finally require that you hang up the sneakers. For example, I can probably count with my fingers the amount of good basketball years I have left in my A-game career. Thats scary. Just because I am not a professional basketball player does not mean I cannot empathize with what it feels like to retire (or be forced to retire). That will be a very hard day to endure.



This week in the A-game.



Last night I was up until 3'oclock thinking about this weeks episode of the A game, with some side thoughts of the B game that took place the day before.



(1) I really feel that going to the 2's and 3's makes the game much more realistic. Whoever thought of that rule change was a frickin genious. I think we should continue.

(2) Although I am a complete supporter of the A-game and most its participants, I have to say that there needs to be more caution taken with the "traveling" calls. I was the victim of a couple of questionable traveling calls myself. (And for the record, I did not retaliate with any "carrying" calls on my fellow A-teamers on the opposing team that I would have been completely justified in calling). It seems that the traveling issue arises when I am accused of making some "awkward" movement. However, what the accuser rarely considers is the foul that preceeds the "awkward" move. Furthermore, an "awkward" move should never be considered an outright violation of some basketball rule. If it were so, Manu Ginoboli would not be able to play in any game. I just plea for consistency and a fair judgment, and most importantly, I request that the "traveling" call is not abused by any A-teamer as a ploy to acquire an easy turnover on a technicality (when your team is down) in lieu of getting a real church basketball defensive stop. I feel that I need to mention that at any given moment the A-game could turn into a bunch of referees that are experts in calling "carries" and "traveling". I would like to avoid that if possible for the good of the A-game.

(3) It is always funny how the A-teamers get really serious when it comes down to (or close to) match point.

A quick example: a certain 40 year old A-teamer, who will remain un-named due to the lack of a current nickname, was basically quiet all night running the point and nocking down the occassional 3 pointer. All of that changed when this A-teamer could smell victory on the last game of the night. With victory in sight, he relentlessly took the ball to the hole, and despite being temporarily delayed by a defensive swipe, he was able to sink in the game winning lay-up. Intensity filled and red faced, this A-teamer ended the night for everyone. Its that kind of spirit that brings A-teamers back next week for more.

(4) Worthy newcomers are always welcome. Another un-named A-teamer joined us this week for the first time. His game was great, and he has inspired all of us to shut him down next week. If you dominate one week at the A-game, you will definetly have a target on your back the next week.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK AT THE A-GAME

the A game Pilot

The first rule about the A game is that you don't talk about the A game.

We would like to thank blogspot.com for making this absolutely worthless website/blog possible. There will be a few of us contributors and this site will consist of analysis of each week's A game play. I may need to start at the beginning though and let you know exactly what the A game is, where it is located (not specifically, but sort of), and why it exists.

Most of the participants in the A game are Mormon, or Latter-Day Saints. Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. However, this does not mean that non LDS people aren't invited or don't play. In fact, there are usually non-LDS people participating in the A game. It just so happens that a few of us all play hoops, attend the same church in the same general locations and get together once a week to hash out our differences.

For those of you who have participated in LDS Church hoops organizations you know generally that it is considered the "war after the prayer." In fact the competitive nature of church hoops amazes even non-members of the church. Many area organizations of the Church, called Stakes, have banned men's basketball because of the fighting, cussing, and otherwise pillaging our measly black guts out at Church hoops on weeknights or Saturday mornings. In fact, some LDS people (I have to believe) created a movie about realistic church hoops events. http://www.imdb.com/media/rm3133510144/tt0457303.

To give a good illustration of what LDS Church leagues can be like I offer the following two stories. The first story is very recent. In fact it occurred during last season's Stake Men's Basketball season. It was the last game of the season and our team had only lost one game. Since I play most of the time I felt obligated to let some of the non-starters play more minutes than usual in the game. And since we couldn't win the championship with one loss during the season (a very controversial loss where the other ward did not play any of its subs - literally 5 guys sat on the bench for the whole game while we played all of our guys. I was wondering if their subs were wearing cheer skirts or something). Anywho, so I felt obligated to not play so much this game. However, my innate competitive nature made me want to play enough to still win. Near the end of the game it was close. I subbed in with about 3 minutes to play and scored some baskets to keep us ahead. During the game one large, loud-mouthed, out of shape return missionary was complaining to the referees about numerous calls that did not go his way - nor should they have. By the end of the game the other team was fouling my team in order to force us to shoot free throws. One particular foul went uncalled so I said something to the ref. When immediately upon my complaining to the ref comes over this large, loud-mouthed, out of shape return missionary to instruct me that I needed to show some sportsmanship. To which I kindly replied - Sir, please shut up and mind your own business. I was totally justified in my reaction, I believe. I was just astonished that I all of the sudden needed to show sportsmanship when this retard wouldn't shut up all night. So we jawed back and forth a little bit when this large, loud-mouthed, out of shape return missionary instructed me that he was going to punch me in the mouth....This is apparently how mature servants of the Lord resolve things in church hoops.

My second initial story occurred sometime ago when I was actually myself still in shape and just got done playing college basketball. I was at the peak of my game. I was fast (for church ball), could shoot, dribble, etc. On one particular play I drove the lane and head-faked a taller defender. This defender was about 6-10 and actually played hoops 20 years prior at Utah. Anyway, after my head-fake and his subsequent jumping in the air, I arose, tossed the ball toward the hoop and leaned my way into his nasty, sweaty Kobe Bryant jersey, with beer on his breath (keep in mind that this is 7 am on a Saturday morning), attempting to draw the foul. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7iT-08Botg. Well, foul INDEED! This man actually picked me up off of the floor and pile drived (drove?) me into the parquet. I immediately got up to react when I was picked up again and pile drived (drove?) once more to the earth. Needless to say this person was kicked out of the gym by my larger friends, never to return. He also stated he no longer wanted to receive visits from the home teachers or to be called by the church again. Great, we inactivated someone using church hoops. I thought the purpose was to do the opposite.

Now back to the beginning. The A game was really a dream of mine since I was a child...ok, it wasn't, but it was a dream of mine since I started playing regular church hoops after I graduated college. I'd go to the church for pick up games and it was basically jungle ball with a lot of 1 on 1, no screening, no defense, chuck it from the cheap-seats basketball. People at general church hoops don't understand basketball in the slightest. They are a lot like playground warriors in that a good move means you are good, even if that good move was your only bucket of the night and it was also a lucky one at that. I was frustrated as heck and wanted a decent game with people who were competitive (not overly competitive), who understood the game, and who could keep a secret. I attempted to get this game going on numerous occasions in numerous locations (See: undergrad and graduate school attempts) until one day it finally happened.

The A game begins with a morning text to the affect of "roll call for hoops." To which people will respond whether they can play or not that night. Anyone who shows up but was not invited to A game by the creator/coach (me) gets a very dirty look and will not get passed the ball, unless you are wide open and can make a layup - but even then you may not get passed the ball. If you do you should bow down and be grateful for your touch. A teamers are allowed to invite someone to A game only if I allow it first, or the general consensus of the A gamers say it is ok. Some people are excluded for their inability to pass, even if they are extremely talented. Most are excluded because they just aren't good enough. Everyone at A game has played at least varsity basketball, and about 40% have played (or could or should have played) some type of college basketball.

I'm a firm believer that you can't give yourself a nickname. So the A game didn't have a name for the first year or so of existence. We didn't give the A game its name. It's name became a legend simply by fortuitousness. Before I go on to the A game name story, it reminds me a lot of the "Doggs" on my mission. During the mission my MTC companion, Fisher, would call Americans by their last name, combined with a "Dogg" at the end. For example Elder Peel would be "Peel-Dogg." Fisher had no intention of creating some exclusive club when an Elder came up to him and asked if he could be referred to with a Dogg at the end of his name as well. Fisher said no, and immediately created the exclusive Dogg club. It was all a joke of course, but then it got serious. About 3 weeks later the mission president called Fisher in and mandated that he no longer have his exclusive club "the Dogg's," anymore. He was no longer allowed to be the "Golden Dogg" either. This whole episode only fueled the fire for the Doggs and we felt even more exclusive. I should mention that there were no benefits to being a Dogg, just that you got called Dogg.

Now that I've wasted some more of your time, back to the A game name story. Please keep in mind that I can't discuss the A game, other than on this blog, so real names have to be changed. We will try and be creative with the names in our weak attempt to be humorous. Thunder (named because of his uncanny skill set and kindred spirit name to Thunder Dan Majerle - granted Thunder does not have Majerle's hands - I once golfed a group behind Majerle and those fingers had to wrap at least two full times around the shaft) and I were playing in a softball league one night when the subject of church hoops came up. Keep in mind that most LDS churches get used at least once a week by general members of the church and society for pick-up games. Anyway, at softball, church pick up hoops games came up. Thunder and I just kept listening about the possibility of us storming in on their weekly game when someone mentioned "the A game" in town. SAY WHAT? Thunder was tactical and asked about "the A game" just mentioned. Our friend responded that apparently there was an invite only church basketball game that took place somewhere near our location - and to which they weren't invited. Although this was the only thing that was mentioned about the game me and Thunder's minds immediately started racing, and our eyes locked in that epiphany sort of gaze. After the softball game we couldn't stop talking about how our newly named A game was famous. How people were jealous they couldn't be invited to the game, and how word had spread about our amazing church ball prowess. We were also certain that our game was the best and most exclusive game in town. Forget that our city has a consistent top-25 college basketball team that I'm sure holds its own exclusive games. But they don't have the name and prestige we do. The A game. The A game. I still can't keep the stars out of my eyes when I think of this moment. We had finally arrived!

The A game continues to be held mostly on weeknights. We will change locations, or even take a few weeks off to lose those stragglers that somehow always find out that there is a game going on at the church. It's elite. Pretenders need not apply.

Additionally, we need to thank Mark Titus and Club Trillion for inspiring us to create this worthless diatribe on church hoops and those of us who still believe we have something to prove....http://clubtrillion.blogspot.com/

And lastly for this initial column, I want to welcome emails and comments from all of you church ballers out there. Send us your stories and we will publish them and give you a shout out online. Thunder and I will be the initial contributors, hopefully with some commentary from others such as Urkel (named for his skinny, nerdy look - but remember that Urkel could ball http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGdQ4HhyojY though this Urkel needs to learn to pass more), Prefontaine (named by Tulip ((Tulip named for his flowery jumper and flowery name)) when Tulip saw Prefontaine wearing track shoes on a recent golf outing and deduced for some reason that Prefontaine runs track - he doesn't), and 40-band (named for his age combined with the head band he wears on his bald head).

Peace out,

Psycho T (that's me - named because Goldilocks ((named for his fro - he's white)) thinks I look like Tyler Hansbrough http://i.a.cnn.net/si/2008/writers/stewart_mandel/03/16/selection.sunday/p1.tyler.hansbrough.jpg)